The Ultimate Guide to Freeloading
Tuesday, September 18, 2007 at 8:54am by The Free Geek
You’ve decided that you’re not cut out for this whole “working for a living business.” How can you maintain or improve your standard of living without actually having to join the sad saps who trudge to work and home every day? By becoming a freeloader, of course. If you’ve ever gotten anything for free you know the satisfaction that comes with having done nothing to earn what you’ve received. You can enjoy this fulfillment every single day! Of course, being a freeloader isn’t all fun and games. You will have to maintain a certain level of social skills, have some good negotiation and scheduling abilities, and be able to dodge hard-to-answer questions like “why don’t you have a job” with ease. Think you’re ready to try your hand at the glamorous and exciting freeloading lifestyle? Here are some helpful tips and ideas to get you started on your way to a better and cheaper tomorrow.
Be Fun to Have Around
First things first. If you want to get things for free you’re going to have to be the kind of person that people actually want pamper. No being grumpy (unless someone has woken you before noon, then it’s completely fair) and no griping about the things that you’re getting for free, even if your steak was a tad on the rare side. The most successful freeloaders are those who are simply impossible not to like. They know how to tell great jokes and they provide entertainment and flattery for everyone. Basically, the more charming you are, the more people will want to have you around. That’s your goal. Never forget that these people, the people with jobs and money, are key to the success of your freeloading venture. You have to keep on their good side if you don’t want to be unceremoniously dumped out onto the street. So, keep a smile on your face and be the most loveable person in the room.
Make Connections
If you’ve already mastered the whole charm thing, you can use it to make a few friends who carry influence and connections. Not that your run-of-the-mill friends won’t be important, but let’s be real – friends with connections have more opportunities to provide you with quality free stuff. Regular grade friends might be able to get you some free tickets to sit in the nosebleeds at the ball game, but friends with connections can get you free tickets for a luxury suite. Of course, you can’t constantly take advantage of these awesome free things, lest your friends with connections might start to suspect that your friendship is based solely on their material generosity. Make sure you use these friends wisely, and don’t get greedy.
Live with Parents
One of the biggest expenses for working folk is housing, and this is of primary concern to you, the freeloader, as well. You have a few options when it comes to this problem, and the first is undoubtedly the least glamorous “moving back in with your parents” routine. While living at home may not impress the dudes/ladies, it does have its advantages. Unlike your friends, you can tug at your parents’ heartstrings by reminding them how cute you were as an equally needy baby. Plus, you’ll really have to push your luck to get kicked out. Your meals will most likely be provided and you’ll have plenty of time to lounge around, sleep in, and go out with your friends. If you’re really lucky, you might even score yourself some free transportation via your parents’ car(s). You might have to put up with your parents constant nagging at you to get a job, but the cost can be worth it in some cases.
Mooching off Friends
If you feel you are simply too skilled a freeloader to waste your time living at your parents, or you’ve already tried that trick and they kicked you out, there are always friends to be mooched off of as well. This will likely be a trickier endeavor and will involve a little mental scheduling on your part to ensure that you’re not wearing out your welcome at any one place for too long (you want to guarantee your future as a freeloader, not just think about today). If you opt to stay at a friend’s place, unless they have an extra bedroom, you’ll most likely end up on the couch, which isn’t always the most comfortable arrangement. But hey, it’s free right? If you have a particularly generous friend you have the potential to get all your meals free as well, especially if they are already cooking for someone else or if they’re not home much and you can raid their fridge. If not, you might be on your own to find a place where you can get free food. You can always try flirting with employees at your local restaurants to see what you can drum up for free. You should also consider that if you choose friends that are roughly your size that you’ll be able to borrow their clothes when you’re too lazy to wash or purchase your own. Borrow them consistently enough and they just might become yours!
Here is where those friends with cooler stuff might come in handy. Some of them might even own more than one home and what’s the harm in you staying at their summer house when they’re not even there, right? Even if they are, they can hardly begrudge you for wanting to enjoy it, because that’s what it’s there for. Try working your way into their social circle to see if they have other friends who might also not mind, or at least tolerate, you imposition on their hospitality. Always keep your options open!
Whatever you do, just make sure to keep your friends from becoming your enemies. Do not impose to the point where they kick you out, as it’s counterproductive to your interests to anger those who feed and house you.
Find a Sugar Daddy/Mama
Finally, if you are really dedicated to your life of leisure and want to ensure that it lasts for longer than your friend would ever reasonably allow you to sleep on the couch, you can work your charms to find yourself a sugar daddy/mama. Finding a boyfriend or girlfriend to freeload from can be a great way to ensure lodging (and a bed no less!), food, clothes, drinks, and various other gifts your sweetheart will give you. Your level of commitment to this kind of set up can vary, but if you’re really found someone that you like getting stuff from, this kind of relationship can often lead to marriage, guaranteeing you a lifetime free ride. Of course, the pinnacle of freeloading doesn’t come without its costs, and you might actually have to do a certain amount of caring about and for the person you’re with. Be careful with this option, as others might not see your freewheeling ways as innocently as you do.
Safeguard Your Interests
After all this work it would be a shame to let any of these potential gravy trains run out, so you’ll need to make sure that you safeguard your interests. One way to keep friends and family from getting wise to your game too quickly is to be on a constant job hunt. Before you keel over from the shock, I am in no way suggesting that you actually get or keep a job. That would be contrary to your entire scheme. No, you won’t be actually getting a job, but you will be pretending to get a job. Tell your friends or parents that you’re going to an interview when in reality you plan to spend the afternoon sneaking into a movie. This should keep everyone off your case about getting a job—at least in the short term.
Here is another tip, though at first it may sound contrary to your interests. You will need to be extremely generous from time to time. Let me explain further. Say you find some money on the sidewalk. Use this money to buy drinks at the bar for everyone or to take care of the dinner tab. Or, you can apply for a no-credit or poor-credit credit card so that you can purchase a meal every once in a while (your credit card payments will come from someone else’s wallet, so no worries!). This will be a valuable thing later on. How you ask? Eventually your friends and family are going to confront you about your tendencies to not work and to take advantage of other people’s hard earned money. Accusations such as these are prefect opportunities to bring up all the times when you’ve been generous with your money. It will weaken their argument and make them feel guilty about their accusations, however true they may be.
Think getting everything for free is too good to be true? Well, to be honest, nothing is without its price, but if you’re willing to sacrifice some of your dignity and pretty much all of your shame (no seriously, you really have to be pretty much shameless to be successful at this) you can live a life of relative ease for pretty much nothing. So, what are you waiting for? There is no time like now to start enjoying other people’s hard work and your own resourcefulness in avoiding it yourself.
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